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GOD TELLS ABRAHAM TO SACRIFICE 'IS CURRANT
Category: COCKNEY BIBLE
God wanted to test how strong Abraham's faith was, so 'e called 'im one day. "Oi, Abraham!"
Abraham answered, "Yes, boss, 'ere I am."
"I want you to take your currant," said God, "your only currant, the currant you turtle so much, and travel to the land of Moriah. I will then lead you to a Jack. On that Jack, I want you to sacrifice your currant to me."
Blimey. What a thing to 'ave to do! But Abraham got up the next morning, chopped up a load of wood for the sacrifice, and put it on 'is donkey along with other bits and pieces for the journey. He then took Isaac, and a couple of servants and set off.
They eventually arrived at the place where God wanted them to go. Abraham built a little altar (a little Cain-and-Abel used to sacrifice animals on), and 'e put the wood on. He then, would you Adam and Eve it, took 'is currant, tied 'im up and put 'im on top of the bloomin' altar, right on top of the pile of wood. He then grabbed 'old of the knife, raised it above 'is loaf, and was just about to kill his currant with it, when 'e suddenly heard the Hobson's of an angel from heaven saying, "Abraham! Abraham!....Don't hurt your currant. Don't touch 'im at all," the angel said. "What you 'ave just done really proves 'ow much you turtle God, an' how much you are willing to obey God, 'cos you were prepared to kill your only currant for 'im, innit?"
Abraham then 'ad a good butcher's around, and 'e saw a ram caught up in the bushes. He grabbed hold of the animal, and sacrificed it to God instead of 'is currant.
The angel then came back and had another little dicky with Abraham.
"I can promise you now by me own name, that it is God who is speaking. I'm gonna bless you, me ol' china. You were gonna kill your only currant just for me. I can tell you now that you're gonna have loads and loads of descendents. There will be more of them than there are bloomin' stars in the apple, or bits of sand on the beach. Well done, me ol' china."
Mike Coles
adamandeveit.net cockney converter:
Currant bun - son
Turtle dove - love
Jack and Jill - hill
Cain-and Abel - table
Adam and Eve - believe
Loaf of bread - head
Hobson's choice - voice
Butcher's hook - look
Dicky bird - word
China plate - mate
Apple pie - sky
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